What makes a marriage work - after 30 years - starting to get it

To this day, Luc claims that had we lived together before getting married, we would not be here today - married for 30 years. He is quite convinced that he would have run out the door and never come back. Why? 

I was a pretty strong minded, headstrong, easily emotionally deregulated twenty something young woman. Let’s just say my way was the right way of doing things and if it didn’t go my way well… my temper would get the best of me more often than I care to remember. This was very foreign behavior from what Luc was used to growing-up. 

30 years ago, living together before marriage was still (for some of us) a bit of a “no-no”. We actually went down that path for about 1 minute before we realized my dad would not be very pleased or supportive of this arrangement so we did not pursue it. Instead, we decided to get married and keep the family peace. Sometimes we joke about it, especially with our daughters. Luc still claims to this day, if we had lived together before getting married, our daughters would not be here. WE would not have made it through that first year and he would have fled towards sanity. 😉. I am convinced he would have turned to a calmer, less emotional, level headed partner to live the life he was more accustomed to that I had (in my younger days) labeled boring.  Wow, have I evolved and matured in that respect and only recently truly understand how my emotions and how easily deregulated I could get would impact us as a couple. Most days, I thank God that Luc stuck it out. In many respects to this day, I (and close family and friends) laughingly call Luc a Saint. It’s actually not very far from the truth. Not only has he had to navigate his emotional, passionate, strong-minded wife with a flaring temper; he then continued to stand strong and navigate life with not one, not two but THREE daughters.   

Over the 30 years of being married, let me tell you we now KNOW what works and what doesn’t.  Like everything else in life, it takes time, focus and Energy. Just because we know what is best or what works, doesn’t mean we always do so or get it right. Those are the times when things are not as smooth and positive. What we have mastered is recognizing WHEN things are not going well and STOP in our tracks, reset and focus on what does make “us” work. It’s truly like a dance.

What works is when we keep our routines in place and keep our relationship a priority: 

• Morning routine - move - meditate - journal
• Wednesday wonders (curious about each other’s week and what is going on in our lives) 
• Our weekly power hour
• One weekly date (it can be a 15 min walk, a movie, a night out) 
• One fun activity a month (something new or that we don’t do regularly) 
• One seasonal “getaway” (can be a week, a weekend or a day - minimum one day) 
• Every year around our anniversary we take out our couple “goals” book, review them and make new ones for the upcoming year.  

30 years feels like such a long time ago and yet it seems like just 

yesterday, I was so young when we got married. When I think of our actual wedding day, it makes me laugh.  

This is where our reception was held. 😂🙈 I remember arriving a few days before the wedding from Ontario and realizing the plastic chairs in the Hall were ORANGE. I thought it was the end of the World (at the time). Luc - WISE beyond his years told me then: “Is the wedding reception the most important thing OR us?” I remember feeling my entire body relax once he shifted my focus to what was important. When I look back now, I realize that he’s been doing that for 30 years. Helping me shift my focus to the important things in life and not letting myself get wrapped up in the small things that at the end of the day don’t really have a huge impact on what is important. Proof? We’ve stuck it out for 30 years in spite of orange plastic chairs at our reception. And the funny thing? Orange has been my very favourite colour almost since that day. 😂

What are other things we tweaked or changed in our relationship over the years to improve it? Not calling or texting during the work day UNLESS it is absolutely necessary or to leave a cute - light - fun message. Why? Because I am more easily emotionally de-regulated than Luc, I would end up calling him at work to vent, get some advice or input on things that truly could have waited until later when he was home. AND by doing that, it also helped me self-regulate a little better so that often by the time he got home, I didn’t even have to vent. It also keeps things a little more fresh and provides an opportunity to select what to share when we are both home from work. You can share the highs and lows of the day and have some newness to it versus keeping in touch all day long. For us, it helped in many ways. It helped us have to communicate more in the morning to make sure we had a plan for the day and it helped have more conversation and communication at night because we weren’t always connected throughout the entire day. It helped Luc focus more on what he had to do while he was at work and me staying on track with my daily routine, work and responsibilities. 

Taking that one hour a week to only focus on US and our relationship took some time to get there. As working parents, it was so easy to fall into work or kids in our power hour. We had to work at it. We used some statements to help us guide the conversations. I wonder what this would be like if… I remember when we used to… I would love to go… do… see…with you. 

Marriage, I’m learning more and more, is like any other worthwhile adventure you undertake in life. You need a clear intention of what you want, the energy to keep it moving forward through the good times and the more challenging times so that you enjoy the benefits along the way that keep you going.