How FEAR holds us back from trying new things

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As I write this, I am reflecting on something that I worked on this week for a post on Instagram. It’s something I have been personally working on a lot over the last few years. It’s hard!!! I find it difficult not to judge… maybe you are one of the lucky ones to have gone through life not judging or not seeing everything through the lens of right or wrong, good or bad, win or lose? 

Growing up, I think (it is also generational), what is good or bad, right or wrong, pass or fail was the way you looked at the world. There were good decisions and bad decisions. People were good or bad. You did well at school or not good at school. It was subtle though. Not as in your face as it is now, especially with social media. It feels like now, judging is a must. The minute you go on social media of any form, you are required to make a judgment: is this worth my time or not? Is it good enough or not? Do I like or swipe? Imagine how many times in a day, we are in a position to make a judgment call or a decision if we like it or not? To decide if it’s good or not? We have trained our brain, thanks to very intelligent and wealthy software engineers in the world, to set us up to judge everything.  Is it good or bad? Is it right or wrong?  Do I like it or not? Where it gets super tricky is when judgment infiltrates into your own mind and thoughts about yourself. Then, we start to think: Am I good enough? Am I too old? Am I right or wrong? Is what I do good or bad? Will I fail if I try? 

Here we go… 

THREE - TWO - ONE

THREE reasons to not try something:

1- Fear - of rejection; being judged, ridiculed, embarrassed, laughed at. Read the intro one more time. 

2 - Fear - of process pain. It’s too hard; the work, effort and energy is too much to even try especially when you don’t know how it will end or if it is worth it.  What are some things I might have to give up? Netflix? One hour of TV a day? Give up some form of comfort? Give up buying something to save some $$? 

3 - Fear - of responsibility pains of succeeding (careful what you wish for - ever hear that?) For some people, the thought of succeeding at something or achieving something is more scary than having the excuse to fall back on read #2 again. Sometimes, if they do succeed or achieve something incredible means it might come with expectations or hard work to do it again, or do it better or more often and THAT is scary. 

TWO realizations: 

1- Once I started to practice (baby steps) trying things JUST to try, not with any preconceived notion or expectations of good or bad, pass or fail or even right or wrong. JUST try something… it became liberating. When it is aligned with my values, something that is meaningful to me or makes sense to try, then, I feel liberated. When I would try things that were not important to me or to try just for the thrill of trying something new in those cases I figured out it was not as easy. Once I was clear on where and when I was willing to just “try” things with no attachment to the outcome or the judgement THEN all of a sudden, it felt natural and ok to TRY different things because "I" wanted to not what others wanted me to or thought I should try. 

2- It feels good to not get attached to the outcome!!! I really worked on this at tennis. I was awful at first. Maybe not physically awful. My mindset was awful. I now know why. I was brought up (refer to intro paragraph) that when you played a sport, it was to win. Well, the flip side of that is if you don’t win, you lose. So I would go play tennis with a 50% chance of losing. It became discouraging - I was not fun to play with or against. It became a mental battle with myself and anyone around me had to listen to me go on about how I had to win and when I didn’t, I would get down on myself. Can you imagine playing with someone like that? Then, one super wonderful, sweet girl took me aside once and said: “What is going on? Why are you playing tennis if it makes you so miserable?” Woah!!! That was one of my first real lessons in letting go… letting go of the outcome. I started to play tennis for the enjoyment of playing. Good or bad - didn’t matter. Win or lose - didn’t matter. I started to work on my stroke NOT the point. Because I wasn’t so stressed or focused on winning the point, or the match or worried about the score then all of a sudden I started to be able to take little risks and explore different shots. I started to ENJOY the game, the process, the people around me. I started to be grateful that I am privileged to play this wonderful game that is not accessible to everybody. (physically, mentally, financially, logistically…) All of a sudden, I was a different player. NOT necessarily a better player although I would like to think I have improved a little. What I became is a much more enjoyable player and opponent to the people I play with. That was important to me. Winning is fun and exciting yes. It is always a goal out there. To me, it just is not everything OR at the expense of not enjoying myself or the others around me. 

So… if you play with or against me, the reason I am not great at keeping score? I don’t care. Truly… The only reason I keep score is because it is part of the game and for the respect of my partners and opponents.  So, I try to at least keep track of the points. The number of games won or lost ??? Forget that - 75% of the time, I truly don’t know.  It doesn’t affect how much I enjoy playing whether I win or lose. Maybe one day I will be able to keep track of the games - maybe. 

ONE ACTION for this week: I am leaving this action for one more week BECAUSE I think we all need it! 

1- This week is a great week to practice taking a few minutes, several times a day for yourself, intentionally blocking out the outside world and doing what helps you to refuel, reset and recalibrate.  Practicing this small intentional habit now might be helpful leading up to hectic moments in life!