What I learned from my 24 year old daughter.

This morning, I received this image below comparing Toxic Positivity and Validation + Support from my 24 (almost 25 year) old daughter, Emilie). She was enlightening me on how I could have validated her feelings during her teen years and even to this day. She has pointed out that fact to me frequently over the years. The number of times I hear her tell me: “I want a mom, not a life coach.I don’t need a life lesson”.  

Could I have done better? Could I have responded to her feelings differently? Sitting here now at 53 years old, with all the experience and wisdom gained throughout the years (and raising 3 daughters), of course I could have done many things differently.  

For a brief second, I almost found myself going down the rabbit hole of regret and self-doubt. I should have, I could have, I would have but, but, but. Then, I caught myself. WAIT a minute. I did the best I could with what I had with the information and experience I had at that time. All this while holding down a full time career, figuring out how to build a strong marriage, run a household and scraping by trying to save enough money to provide all the things, vacations, experiences and activities that you can possibly imagine for our family while raising 3 daughters. 

I took a deep breath and decided to respond to her “sharing of information” like this:

Thank you for sharing with me, Emilie. Could we have this conversation in about 20 years? I would love to hear your perspective on parenting once you’ve had a chance to parent and/or be (if you are so fortunate) in a relationship with your lifelong partner. I will be in a much better place to respond to this and have even more life experience by then to contemplate how I could have done things differently. 

 What she doesn’t realize is that I have been doing a little relationship repairing with my own mom who at first glance could be categorized as not validating any of our feelings very much growing-up . Especially not in the new way that is suggested nowadays. Definitely not. 

What I am realizing is that with time, I am finding that I am so much more forgiving of what my mom did or didn’t do. What was she doing? She had a career, supported my dad as he built his own business, raised three daughters and chauffeured us everywhere every day of the week to piano, skating, swimming lessons and whatever else we chose to participate in. Looking back, she did so much for us and seemingly always seemed to be on the go. She didn’t have much time to sit there and validate how we were feeling at any given moment. Do I wish she would have validated my feelings more? In some ways, selfishly, probably. It would have “felt” good at the time, I am sure. Would I have preferred she validated my feelings instead of allowing us to participate in all of our activities, or giving us amazing work ethics and great advice? Absolutely not. If the question was, would I have wanted to have it all? ABSOLUTELY - who wouldn’t? I mean, if there was a magic wand, of course I would have wanted it ALL. It turns out, I can now see how she could not have been the hard working, multi-tasking, role model and giving mother that she was AND be there to validate all of our feelings all of the time. Would I change that? Deep down, I know the answer. I would not want to change what she did for us.  She did the best she could with what she had with the information and experience she had at that time. 

She has also turned into an amazing grand-mother to her 9 grandkids. I would not trade that for anything in the World. 

 My mom with my three daughters being an amazing grand-maman. 

What I hope is that through the years, my daughters will find,  in their hearts, a way to feel the same about me. I hope all the characteristics they love about me will be enough for them to forgive my shortcomings the way that I have learned that I accept and understand the way my mom was with me and my sisters. If I want my daughters to cut me some slack - don’t I have to cut my own mom some slack? I mean she did her best with the knowledge she had at the time. 

This upcoming year, if you are fortunate enough to be in your mom’s life, are there any resentment or hard feelings you might have of what she should or shouldn’t have done? Could you use your energy towards something else that might bring you more joy or be more useful? You cannot change the past. You can spend time and energy wishing it was different - and for what? Does it really help today to wish for something you didn’t have? The next best time to change things is right now. You can’t go back. Now is the time you can start fresh or change things. If you have children and you want them to give you grace for all the things you’ve done as a parent that you may not always be proud of, shouldn’t we give grace to our own parents? I sure have a lot that I hope my children either forget, let go of or forgive. Mom, you did your best with what you knew and had at the time. That is exactly what I am doing now with my own children. If history is an indicator, I would say, Emlie, you will be doing the best you can with what you have when it’s time to have children. And guess what? It just may not be what they truly wanted or needed. When they grow-up and they tell you what they wish you did, hopefully you will remember that you gave grace to your own mother as she did to hers and surely your child will give you grace too. I sure hope so! Being a mom is hard work and seemingly never ends.

 My mom with my two sisters and me.